Over all the huhahs and the fiasco. Tired emotionally and spiritually too. And I know that this is a dangerous situation to be in. People who are tired does not give a damn. And that is the feeling that is bombarding me know… “don’t give a damn”.

But Lord, how could I? As much I feel that I want to “don’t give a damn”, I’m bound by Your love, bound to obey and to love even though my heart “don’t give a damn”. Fill me O Lord with your love that I may continue loving with your love. Refresh me so that I would not be tired. Refresh me so that I can give a damn about it.

That’s what I feel right now. Ashamed and a hypocrite. When I listened to a preacher and hears what he has to say about his life and his beliefs, I would indirectly judged him by his conducts. Whether he do what he says or he is just “talking cock”. And I despised preachers who “talk cock”. I want to see a role model not just people who talk cock.

I must admit that I feel that I’ve become one of those preachers. Talking about God’s Words and commands, exhorting the congregation to obey and follow the commands, and yet I failed to show good example with my own family. Others may not notice it but I know the situation and I feel ashamed, a hypocrite. How then can I preach with convictions when I do otherwise!

I’m trying my very best to follow my head reasoning now. It is much more acceptable. Many times my heart wants to get its ways but it has been kept tied up tightly. Kept tied by the rope of Biblical commands and principles. The paradox of it all is this: It is because I wish to follow the Biblical commands and principles that such disagreement appears.

But I know that my heart must be tied or it may burst out all ungodly hasty words that cannot be recalled.

I doubt that she will apologize for her “outburst”. If she is my children, already kena rotan de… hard hard.

Can’t seem to remember the last time she apologizes for her wrong attitude. Nevermindlah… we just buat bodoh saja lah. We are always in the wrong one. What to do… they always think they are right. Sighhhh…. tired de lah.

“Who is Moto Moto?” I asked my two children. “Daddy lah” said Annabelle and Clarisa.

“What’s Moto Moto?” I asked them again. “Hot Hot”, they replied. Hmmm……

They been watching the animation movie Madagascar 2. If you watched that movie, you will see the female hippo, Gloria being infatuated with a big male hippo named Moto Moto. My children immediately associated Moto Moto to me when they saw the part where MotoMoto and Gloria danced together. You see, I loves to dance with my children and with their mommy, so I guess they may have remembered about me when they saw the movie scene.

I watched that movie and saw MotoMoto. Well, he is big and flirtatous, the “good side” of him. But he is also blur blur…. not a good side of him. Anyway… MotoMoto sounds okay lah… I dont want to be called Motorola.

Now he wants to play with his daddy. Of course, most of the time I would have to initiate it. Sometimes he does not want to play but most of the times he would agree to it. The most successful tactic would be to tell him that daddy wants to go for a walk outside the house. That would surely get his interests. And off we go for a walk. When the other two saw us, they too would join in the walk. Playing time is not so much of playing, just walking together and maybe playing with shadows.

Barnabas has grown to be a chatty toddler. He loves to talk. Or let me rephrase that. He loves to imitate what he heard.

Though the pronunciation is not perfect, he is learning very fast. We are amazed at his vocabulary;especially when he wants to express himself. Well praise God for him.

Well, he is still a bit shy with me. Okay, maybe shy is not the correct description. Unattached may be the better word for it. He still plays with me, enjoying my presence, always asking me to help him find or open something. However, he still shy to give me a kiss or say I love Daddy.

Oh ya, he prefers to call me Papa instead of Daddy, which is okay with me.

Annabelle watched some portion of a horror movie last night. Mom was watching the show and Annabelle was there too. The other two were in the room listening to their Mom telling stories. Told Annabelle not to watch the show, she obeyed.

Later that night, when it was sleeping time, Annabelle was crying. Her mom told me that she is afraid because of what she watched on the TV. I prayed for God’s protection upon her, to take away the scary images that she seen on the TV and to grant her peace in her mind, heart and spirit. Also prayed for the blood of Christ to protect her and angels to encamp around her. Thank God that she can sleep after that. All thanks be to God.

Clarissa is having Chicken Pox. Its’ been 2 days and her body is dotted with the Chicken Pox spots. Once a cheerful and active girl has become quiet and always scratching her body due to the Chicken Pox. Kesian her. But the good thing is that she still smile at me and hug me when I reached home. And she still verbalised “I love you Daddy” as often as she can. That really make my day. Will be praying for you my dear Clarissa.

Annabelle is 5 years old already. Praise God that she has grown to be a good sister to both Clarissa and Barnabas. I enjoyed watching her taking care of her sister and brother in a very loving and caring way. Well, of course there are times when they will fight (Clarissa and Annabelle) but overall Annabelle is more of the gentle spirit. The opposite is Clarissa who wants thing her way. She would just grab the snacks or toys from her brother or even Annabelle. Barnabas is just watching, observing and immitating what he learnt from his sisters.

I enjoyed being with all of them. Both Annabelle and Clarissa would want to sit with their daddy. Barnabas is more sticky to his mummy than to me. But nowadays he has been willing to be with me more often which is great. He would greet me when I reached home and willing to give me a hug which I treasure most.

Clarissa though seems tough outside, is still very gentle and soft inside. She still wants to have the comfort and security of being in the arms of her daddy. I loves it when she comes to me, climb on my lap and makes herself comfortable, sucking her finger while holding her ‘bantal busuk’. I wonder whether I ever did that to my father.