Over all the huhahs and the fiasco. Tired emotionally and spiritually too. And I know that this is a dangerous situation to be in. People who are tired does not give a damn. And that is the feeling that is bombarding me know… “don’t give a damn”.

But Lord, how could I? As much I feel that I want to “don’t give a damn”, I’m bound by Your love, bound to obey and to love even though my heart “don’t give a damn”. Fill me O Lord with your love that I may continue loving with your love. Refresh me so that I would not be tired. Refresh me so that I can give a damn about it.

That’s what I feel right now. Ashamed and a hypocrite. When I listened to a preacher and hears what he has to say about his life and his beliefs, I would indirectly judged him by his conducts. Whether he do what he says or he is just “talking cock”. And I despised preachers who “talk cock”. I want to see a role model not just people who talk cock.

I must admit that I feel that I’ve become one of those preachers. Talking about God’s Words and commands, exhorting the congregation to obey and follow the commands, and yet I failed to show good example with my own family. Others may not notice it but I know the situation and I feel ashamed, a hypocrite. How then can I preach with convictions when I do otherwise!

I’m trying my very best to follow my head reasoning now. It is much more acceptable. Many times my heart wants to get its ways but it has been kept tied up tightly. Kept tied by the rope of Biblical commands and principles. The paradox of it all is this: It is because I wish to follow the Biblical commands and principles that such disagreement appears.

But I know that my heart must be tied or it may burst out all ungodly hasty words that cannot be recalled.

I doubt that she will apologize for her “outburst”. If she is my children, already kena rotan de… hard hard.

Can’t seem to remember the last time she apologizes for her wrong attitude. Nevermindlah… we just buat bodoh saja lah. We are always in the wrong one. What to do… they always think they are right. Sighhhh…. tired de lah.